(these pictures don't have much to do with anything besides the fact that we went to Thanksgiving Point today and I could never do a post without pictures of something...so that's that)
I've been pretty bored with my blog lately. It's all a bunch of we went here, and saw this, and did that, and blah blah blah. That's ok I guess but since this is the only journal I keep I feel like I should put a little of me in here. The only problem is that I'm not super happy with me lately. When I look back I'm sure I'll understand that this is all just pregnancy and little kid stuff but I've had a hard time feeling happy lately. My kids needs and the state of my house have been especially irritating lately. The days have been feeling especially long and I'm especially exhausted of cleaning up everyone else's messes and wet underpants and those 5 billion otter pop wrappers that are left in every room, on every surface of my house. (even though they are only allowed to be eaten outside..)
The other night I was counting down the hours until bedtime for Ivy since she was being especially whiney and clingy and over all annoying. I figured I just had to make it until 6 when I could get her in the bath, then jammed, bottle and bed. It was about 4:30 when I was finishing up dinner and she was crying at my feet holding my legs trying to get me to pick her up, but I was ignoring her so that I could cut up the watermelon. When I turned around to get the food out of the oven she lost her balance and fell over and started crying. Fine, then as I was trying to hold her out of the way of the hot oven door with my leg she flailed her little arms under my leg to use the oven door to help her stand back up. I heard her fingers sizzle as they came in contact with the oven door. Oh my, then the trouble really started. She screamed for 3 hours straight. If you've ever heard Ivy cry you can maybe understand what that might be like. She wouldn't let me do anything at all for her. I tried running her hand under water, I tried having her hold ice, or a popsicle, or a bag of peas. I tried getting her mind off it and taking her outside and reading a book. Nevermind the 3 other kids that want all of their ever urgent needs met at the same time. We managed to get through dinner while she cried. I bathed her while she cried, I jammed her while she cried, I held her in her room trying to get her to hold her cold bottle of milk but she would not stop screaming for anything. Finally I gave up and put her in her crib and shut the door. I sat outside her room for 45 minutes sobbing as she screamed and screamed and screamed. I was mess by the time John finally came strolling in.
These are the days that I'm going to wish back for the rest of my life? Older people are always trying to tell me to enjoy every moment because it goes so fast and I'll give anything to have these little babies back but I seriously hope it gets better than this! It's not that fun to give your every waking moment and most of the night time hours too to little kids who are generally unsatisfied and ungrateful for anything you do for them. Plus I've been finding it hard to watch my body change with this pregnancy. I don't like how my arms and my ankles and my face have to be affected by the 2 inch fetus in my belly. I'm in that weird phase of pregnancy where my maternity clothes don't quite fit yet but my regular clothes look ridiculous and I feel frumpy and insecure.
I don't know exactly why but John and I have felt driven these last few years to have these children and to have them so close together. I don't know why because we don't make a lot of money, we don't have a big house, and I wouldn't describe myself as a "natural" mother. I don't have the temperament of a mom with a big family. I'm not easy going, I'm not fun, I'm not frugal, but I am selfish, I am lazy, and I am a control freak. Still though, I feel like we have been driven. I also know that when you are given the responsibility to do something, you are also given the ability to accomplish it. I really believe that. I know that these little kids are important and I really really don't want to mess them up.
Luckily I have Charlie who is so hilariously funny. Today while he was looking into this water fountain he rolled right in. Arms and legs in all directions. When he came out he was furious.
Luckily I have John who loves his kids and me to pieces. Holy cow, how did I ever get so lucky to find and marry that man?
I have no profound conclusion to my ranting today because although I feel pretty good right now, the dishes are done, the kids are asleep, and my house is relatively put together, I know that tomorrow will be another killer day and I'll be exhausted and annoyed. But, at least they are alive and I'm still here.
And Charlie is just so so so funny.
6 comments:
You know I would be the first to comment on this blog entry! I am with you honey! I remember those days sitting on the back porch step because we never had backyard furniture in Highland,crying my eyes out. I remember kneeling by my dryer FULL of diapers asking Heavenly Father to please help me love these children better.
I have no answers except to say you forgot to put in with all your "I can'ts" and "I'm nots" all your "I can" and "I am's"
It is what mother hood does to us. But you have to remember those last couple things. Flip through these blog entries and see all you can and all you are.
I Love you! Hang in there MAMA! IT doesn't ever become a piece of cake but it does bring you the greatest joy in the world. This I promise you.
Oh my goodness, I have had SO MANY DAYS LIKE THIS! My husband and I have four kids in five years so every thing you just wrote made me smile in complete empathy! The older three kids are in school now so I want to give you a huge bear hug, laugh hysterically and screech in amazed excitement that "FOR REALS! IT GETS BETTER! THATS NOT A LIE! IT ACTUALLY GETS EASIER!!!" All I can suggest is the old stand by prayer, it saved me on so many occasions : ) And don't ever feel guilty. Heavenly Father loves us young moms and blesses us so much for the simple act of hanging in there literally by our fingernails. You are an awesome mom. I love this blog! YOU are awesome!!! -Melanie (Segalla, in case you don't remember me : )
You are doing great things. I once wrote a long letter about how mad I was that I had all these kids to take care of and Kim was gone all the time having a great time visiting and going to meetings, etc. Now I do what I want and watch him going to all these meetings, visiting and meeting with people and I smile. I just wish I had a mentor back then that said... this is not eternity. Life will change so fast you don't know what happened and you will be saying..where did all my kids go. I miss having them home so much.
Oh yes that is what it's like at my house too! I almost started crying reading this entry at one point because I could relate so much. Two things have helped me recently. One I've been on a positive binge. I can't think or say anything negative about anyone or anything. It has helped so much. It has made the tears of frustration turn into laughter at the hilarity of those ridiculous situations you find yourself in. The second is going back to school and taking a night class. It is (well going to be) the one night a week I do something to make myself feel good about myself. I don't know maybe look into taking a class of some kind....could be anything from cooking to art to anything and it doesn't have to be through a college. Usually your city will offer some adult classes of some kind. Just know that I see your kids as pretty happy and well loved. I've also watched you and John and your kids and have picked up on some things that you guys do that I want to incorporate in my family. So you are a great example. And you ALWAYS look fabulous! Pregnant or not :)
a few comments, but I am not trying to be offensive, just to the point: 1) I agree with Shauna you do not look frumpy - always stylish. 2) posting about goings and such IS journaling - don't beat yourself up. 3)being "lazy and selfish" have helped you to not burn out like so many mothers out there, so not such a bad thing? 4) you have great help every day (John and your mom) - remember last time you were pregnant?? Not so much. And the most important: 5) let's go get pedicures!
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