I'm writing this today for my future self. The one who is dealing with dropping off and picking up from school, homework, outside influences, bully's, extra curricular activities, etc.
I'm grateful to be a mom. I know it's a gift and I know these early years won't last forever but seriously, it really sucks sometimes. I'm so very tired. I feel like since I've been pregnant or nursing for the last 6 years I've spent all of my years of motherhood so far in a bad mood. There are moments here and there that are sweet and warm but the vast majority of the time is loud and stressful and someone is at every moment crying. I'm super envious of mothers who seem to thrive with the chaos and even enjoy it. I don't really, enjoy it I mean. That makes me feel horribly guilty because this is all I've ever wanted, and I'm so lucky to have it. And they are all healthy and really cute even, but they demand so much of me at every moment that I feel totally empty at the end of each day.
This week, since I can't look too far into the future, I'm going to try really really hard to enjoy the moment a little more. We'll see how it goes..
3 comments:
Instead of "enjoying" the moment when 2 or more kids are crying, I play "bee cells" on my iPhone. Just saying...
Oh Brielle. I wished we just could live by each other and laugh at the chaos together but I so feel like you. I only have two so I understand your chaos is doubled. It feels so much like I don't have an identity. All I am is children. I am not the carefree mother who doesn't care about things. My blood boils, I feel frustration, and the crying that sends me over the edge. I get it. It won't last forever but is super hard. I talk about this to girls in the ward and they really love it because honestly, so many are in the same spot. It's nice to know you're not alone and this too shall pass. This post must be my therapy today. Sorry so long. So glad u took a birthday trip away.
Your honesty is so comforting. Motherhood is no day at the beach!
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